Deliveroo Under Siege

No, this is not a ‘Steven Seagal orders in Chinese’ short film. 

It all started with Ramirez ‘Fraggot’ Carrera’s (aka Rez,  aka Kaaant) first day at Happy Dashers’ Ask For More. A lanky 13 year old , who somehow successfully achieved a place at one of the most prestigious secondary schools in the UK.

Year 9 and Year 10 did not come with its ups and downs. One of the ‘bantz’ stories which still pop up over 25 years later when a certain Jekyll and Hyde discovered a saucy pic of Katie Price (or some busty page 3 model who would make an absolute fortune at Only Fans in today’s times) in Rez’s school bag.

(And don’t forget the ‘Cigarette lighters for £2’ business which closed within a month of opening. (Shocker))

The ensuing embarrassment with the ‘rentz’ and the rest of the school year resulted in an unexplained turn of events that would not make much sense to the average Joey R.

Yes, that’s right, Rez’s love for Chartwells luncheon (and the morning break ‘sausage and egg in a bun rolls’. ‘Foodie Rez’ as he is now known (not really, but it has a je ne sais quoi ring to it), had began to develop an obsession with the newfound delivery apps such as UberEats and Deliveroo.

His passion for combining 2 different cuisines , (including a fusion of KFC and SueShe started to make the headlines in various social circles such as COD kantz and Happy Dasher Kantz.

During the summer of 2024, after a cheeky Nando’s feast of quarter chicken , Liver and some other edible shite, Rez was feeling a little dissatisfied. His stomach was not so full , but he restrained himself from ordering more , despite his hunger for more muncheon.

Instead , he complained to Delivawooo, citing their ‘late delivery’ as the reason for his low rating. However insignificant this action was , caused a chain reaction that would throw the Food Delivery space-time continuum into chaos. 

Deliveroo were found to be in breach of their Toms and Cuntisions, resulting in a massive lawsuit that would destroy their very existence. Fortunately , this did not have too big an impact on their rivals UberEats, Just Fuck and Eat…and Bob’s Burgers.

it's been a while...

Nearly 3 years in fact. I have had many complex and varied thoughts and observations to make since I last posted, none of which I will be able to articulate coherently at this time of night - however I will try very soon.

badminton match 5

St Andrews 4
New Malden 2

Mens Fours Division 2

I fielded a weaker team in light of the fallout from the first match. Nerves were not eased as Robin (one of their stronger players who plays in our first Mens team and their Mixed 1 team) said they were putting out a reasonable side. So it looked like defeat was on the cards. Our team comprised me, Anushka, Benno and Chris Hanson. They did turn up with a couple of reasonable players but also two older guys who were a bit slower around the court, which increased our confidence.

In the event, Anushka & Benno did well to win the first rubber in 3 ends. I frustratingly lost with Chris in a very tight rubber 19-21 27-25 18-21, and Benno likewise lost with Chris. So at the halfway point, New Malden were 2-1 up. Fortunately we started using our brains in the second half of the match and won the remaining 3 rubbers in straight games to overcome the opposition 4-2, yielding another valuable 2 points to us in our search for a good finishing position in the table this year.

badminton match 4

St Andrews 6
Chart Centre 3

Mens Division 3

Mens 2 have now got some points on the board at home following a good win over newly promoted Chart Centre. Ringo partnered with new superstar Lawrence, and they combined to win all 3 rubbers including an impressive straight games win over Chart Centre's best pair. I played with Matt, but we couldn't beat their best pair, though we won the other 2. Anushka and little Ben made up the final pair and won 1.

badminton match 3

St Andrews 6
Albury 3

Hybrid Division 2

First Hybrid game of the season, and it turned out to be a funny affair against some bewilderingly stroppy players. First to bat were Anushka & Sarah B, who lost in straight games to their top man & lady. Steve & Sarah K grimly clawed back a rubber in 3 ends to level the scores. Gerry & I went on 3rd, narrowly losing the 1st game but eventually settling to win well, 18-21 21-9 21-11. The Sarah twins got thrashed by similar scorelines to make it 2-2 after the first 4 rubbers, then Steve & Anushka just hung on to take the coveted M1/M2 rubber. I won our only straight-games win of the night with Sarah B to make it 4-2 after 6 rubbers, but Gerry and Sarah K contrived to lose the 7th rubber setting up for a nervous finale. Luckily Anushka & I won ours in 3 ends, as did Steve & Gerry, making a final score of 6-3 in a fairly close encounter.

badminton match 2

New Malden 7
St Andrews 2

Mens Division 3

Mens 2 team slumped to a 2-7 away loss against New Malden, who were relegated from Division 2 last season. Our cause was not helped by fielding a very weak team including 4 reserves. Seemingly nobody wanted to travel to this match! Our side on the night was Ringo & Kaz, myself & Gerry, and Benno & Stewart. Disappointingly, New Malden also fielded several reserves but they were on the whole too strong for us. They had an older guy called John Parslow playing for them who I beat convincingly in the Hybrid last season, so was hopeful I could do so again in this match, but we ended up losing 15-21 16-21. Benno & Stewart actually managed to beat John though, which was pretty comical, and our 2nd rubber was gifted to us courtesy of John's partner falling and injuring his back, so they conceded a 2nd rubber. Just as well or the scoreline could've been 1-8!

badminton match 1

St Andrews 6
Howard 0

Mens Fours Division 2

The new season started with a bang as I fielded a strong team against Howard. We had previously played them in the Hybrid section of the District League and they had some reasonable men, so I was unsure as to what side they would put out for the Fours. In the event, their men in this match were not as strong as thought. Total match duration was just 65 minutes. None of the 6 rubbers went to 3 ends and the score in at least one game of each rubber was 21-10 or less to us. Tonight's team was Martin, Steve, Ringo and myself. Chris H was playing on an adjacent court and was pretty unhappy to have been dropped, though last year he made just 3/8 matches; worse, I've had pressure from the powers that be to give games to players who aren't in any other teams, and avoid using the big guns like Martin & Steve. The politics roadshow continues...