No, this is not a ‘Steven Seagal orders in Chinese’ short film.
It all started with Ramirez ‘Fraggot’ Carrera’s (aka Rez, aka Kaaant) first day at Happy Dashers’ Ask For More. A lanky 13 year old , who somehow successfully achieved a place at one of the most prestigious secondary schools in the UK.
Year 9 and Year 10 did not come without its ups and downs. One of the ‘bantz’ stories which still pop up over 25 years later when a certain Jekyll and Hyde discovered a saucy pic of Katie Price (or some busty page 3 model who would make an absolute fortune at Only Fans in today’s times) in Rez’s school bag.
(And don’t forget the ‘Cigarette lighters for £2’ business which closed within a month of opening. (Shocker))
The ensuing embarrassment with the ‘rentz’ and the rest of the school year resulted in an unexplained turn of events that would not make much sense to the average Joey R.
Yes, that’s right, Rez’s love for Chartwells luncheon (and the morning break ‘sausage and egg in a bun rolls’. ‘Foodie Rez’ as he is now known (not really, but it has a je ne sais quoi ring to it), had began to develop an obsession with the newfound delivery apps such as UberEats and Deliveroo.
His passion for combining 2 different cuisines , (including a fusion of KFC and SueShe started to make the headlines in various social circles such as Call of Exfoliation and Happy Dasher Kantz.
During the summer of 2024, after a cheeky Nando’s feast of quarter chicken , Liver and some other edible shite, Rez was feeling a little dissatisfied. His stomach was not so full , but he restrained himself from ordering more , despite his hunger for more muncheon.
Instead , he complained to Delivawooo, citing their ‘late delivery’ as the reason for his low rating. However insignificant this action was , the incident caused a chain reaction that would throw the Food Delivery space-time continuum into chaos.
Deliveroo were found to be in breach of their Toms and Cuntisions, resulting in a massive lawsuit that would destroy their very existence. Fortunately , this did not have too big an impact on their rivals UberEats, Just Fuck and Eat…and Bob’s Burgers.
Rez’s foodie adventures have gradually declined recently, after his crazy female GP and Radiologist COD buddy Sicko Dicko warned him about his high cholesterol levels.
Instead of fusing KFC , Pepe’s, Bang Bang and Mizza’s Cafe - Rez has resorted to an aggressive’One Meal A Day’ (aka OMAD) diet. No Sallyooo , not Oman, it’s OMAD ya takeaway Kant!
The past week has been challenging to say the least. Rez wished there was a ‘Gamstop’ equivalent site where he could ban himself from all Takeaway apps, alas, if there was , the entire restaurant industry would collapse into a Supermassive Black Hole.
Although no side-effects from the OMAD diet have been reported, a fellow Happy Dasher has noticed a few subtle changes in Rez’s (and co-incidentally, other mandem and galdem) behaviour.
The recent heatwave has called for more frequent barbecues , risking a deviation away from Omad. Rez’s vocal outbursts have increased , especially during one incident when Sicko Nicko was caught by a surprise hostile waiting to fuck him on the roof of a COD Rebirth building (no pun intended).
Rez’s observation of Belgian’s superstar striker Romelu Lukaku bearing a striking resemblance to UK Grime artist had raised a few eyebrows, given that Stormzy has a smooth way with the ladies , whereas Lukaku has the first touch and ball control of a bludclart bellend.
M-Za has vented her frustration on the yo-yo-ing of their fading relationship, Bob-Swiss had previously advised to block her (after what seems like decades) time ago.
Although this cringe psycho-analysis would most likely fall on deaf ears, it is too early to conclude whether Omad is the way to go in the long term. Possibly a short-term fix for a dopamine-reliant individual with tendencies to encourage: racist ‘it’s good for the body’ outbursts from his fellow COD teammates, Z-related political rants from HardVeryHard , and requests of sexually explicit Sick pics from SlightReturn.
The Tamil Bellend has approached other fellow ‘Codders’ including Nanny, Nonce-sari and Tankesh, for their opinion , however Nanny couldn’t be arsed to read past the first sentence of this post, Sari was busy shitting out his late-night Pepe’s and Tonkesh just replied with a pic of his tiny wang.
