report from Alton Towers

An overcast, dull sky greets me when I open my eyes. It’s 6.30am and Claire’s birthday, for which we’re all going to Alton Towers. This involves picking her sister Catherine and boyfriend Sam up from the train station, and then driving 180 miles. With eyes still heavy, I load the car up and find that the lever to open the bonnet has jammed, so hopefully the oil won’t run out on the motorway…

After filling up at the petrol station and picking the others up, we crawl out of London and onto the M25, which is pleasantly empty, and the M1, which is not. A short bathroom and Burger King break later (I’m such a fat pig) we rejoin the M1 and wind our way through the back streets of Derbyshire and Alton to find the car park.

This was a great idea to come to the park now – hopefully not many people around, meaning plenty of time to get on the rides. In practice, it didn’t quite pan out that way. We met the others and started off by hitting Air and Nemesis, although we moved on after since they’d been in that area for almost two hours already.

It was then time for Katanga Canyon – meaning the Mine Train and Log Flume. Interestingly the safety bar didn’t close properly on my seat on the Mine Train, so … yeah.

After experiencing Hex, (wooo, change of pants time, not) we then very democratically elected to go on Oblivion twice, in good old X sector. Unfortunately for me the guy operating my favourite ride, Enterprise, refused to let me go on alone unless 20 people were on it. He mocked me when my back was turned, as I saw it spinning with 4 people or less on. Bastard. And then the sky opened up, so we huddled under a parasol drinking coffee, eating sandwiches, and laughing at the people still on Oblivion.

The sun then came out again shortly, so that was a good opportunity to dry off a bit. Then we made our way to Ug-land, (interesting name) for Corkscrew, a bizarre photo-shoot, and Rita – by the time we joined the queue for this last one, it had started chucking it down again. The basic idea of Rita is to catapult you from standstill to moving bloody fast by the time the first corner approaches. There’s something quite unnerving about being on this in a downpour! The ride photos probably backed this up, since everyone seemed to have their eyes closed due to the stinging rain.

Since the chairlifts weren’t working, we then trudged back to the monorail station and the car parks, and, after presenting Claire with her present, I made my (very soggy) way home.

who needs Paddy when we have Fabby

2-0, a great result for the Gunners. You couldn’t write a better script for Fabregas; scoring first, setting up the second, putting one over Vieira who never really got in the game. Everyone played well as always. Cesc, Vavavoom, Toure and surprisingly Pires had a really good game. It was Bob (haha) who made the tackle on Vieira to help set up the opener. Haven’t seen him play like that in a while.

I had Arsenal at 26/1 before the Real match, and now they’re 7/2, how good am I!! Suddenly the £5 is looking good value.

How the hell did the Barca-Benfica match finish 0-0??!!!! So many chances. I remember seeing Eto'o standing right in front of goal and he just couldn’t finish. Pascal Cygan could’ve scored from there!

polly wanna cracker? who's a lucky boy then?

NB: Playing under a different user name (Jam070743) to confuse my rivals, lol.

------HAND 5------
Game #1822433484: Omaha PL ($1/$2) - 2006/03/28 - 04:19:30 (UK)
Table "Determine" Seat 4 is the button.
Seat 1: Kimm07 ($141.07 in chips)
Seat 2: Jam070743 ($232.18 in chips)
Seat 3: eekie ($96 in chips)
Seat 4: geoffrey ($33 in chips)
Seat 5: THETAXMAN ($38 in chips)
Seat 6: makis58 ($157 in chips)
Seat 7: trubbzz ($647.37 in chips)
Seat 9: Kato ($193.50 in chips)
Seat 10: fishfish sits out
THETAXMAN: posts small blind $1
makis58: posts big blind $2
----- HOLE CARDS -----
dealt to Jam070743 [4h 9d Ad Qh]
trubbzz: raises to $7
Kato: calls $7
Kimm07: folds
Jam070743: calls $7
eekie: calls $7
geoffrey: folds
THETAXMAN: raises to $38 and is all-in
makis58: calls $36
trubbzz: calls $31
Kato: calls $31
Jam070743: calls $31
eekie: calls $31
----- FLOP ----- [2h 8d 9s]
makis58: checks
trubbzz: checks
Kato: checks
Jam070743: checks
eekie: checks
----- TURN ----- [2h 8d 9s][3d]
makis58: checks
trubbzz: bets $2
Kato: calls $2
Jam070743: calls $2
eekie: calls $2
makis58: calls $2
----- RIVER ----- [2h 8d 9s 3d][6d]
makis58: checks
trubbzz: bets $4
Kato: folds
Jam070743: raises to $192.18 and is all-in
eekie: folds
makis58: folds
trubbzz: folds
Returned uncalled bets $188.18 to Jam070743
----- SHOW DOWN -----
Jam070743: shows [4h 9d Ad Qh] (A Flush, Ace high)
THETAXMAN: shows [Ah Js Jd As] (A Pair of Aces, Nine high)
Jam070743 collects $18 from Side pot #1
Jam070743 collects $225 from Main pot
----- SUMMARY -----
Total pot $246 Main pot $225 Side pot #1 $18 | Rake $3
Board [2h 8d 9s 3d 6d]
Seat 1: Kimm07 folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 2: Jam070743 showed [4h 9d Ad Qh] and won ($243) with A Flush, Ace high
Seat 3: eekie folded on the River
Seat 4: geoffrey (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 5: THETAXMAN (small blind) showed [Ah Js Jd As] and lost
Seat 6: makis58 (big blind) folded on the River
Seat 7: trubbzz folded on the River
Seat 9: Kato folded on the River

define procrastination

Nope, can’t be asked to do that. Too much of an effort haha. So finally, I’ve managed to post here after nearly 3 weeks. More importantly though, I’ve started my last piece of coursework for the year, a 2000 word essay for the Foreign Exchange Markets module. The deadline’s this Friday.

Last Monday I joined my sister Ramani and her friends to celebrate her 30^th birthday. I can’t remember the name of the Indian restaurant we went to, but the food was so good.

Also went out for a meal on Friday with some coursemates, this time at Pho, a Vietnamese place. I opted for a noodle soup, as there were so many of them in the main course and I had never tried it. It wasn’t that great; I’ll go for the dry rice noodles if I do go there again.

The Juventus match is tomorrow night. Everyone is talking about Vieira’s return to Highbury but he’s not the danger man. It’s Trezeguet we should be worried about. Though the midfield battle against Vieira and Emerson can prove decisive.

someday, maybe.

Six days ago, there was a gig in London. Eric Burdon, no less – a complete legend. A lot of people from our generation don’t know who he is, so I’ll fill you in quickly – he was in a band called The Animals and wrote the timeless House of the Rising Sun, of which you can currently hear countless crap versions on cheap Casio keyboards across the country. If you want to pigeonhole his music as a genre, call it RnB – in the original sense of the phrase, none of this shite Craig David interpretation bleating about how horny he is. Proper wah keyboards and everything.

My dad had bought 4 tickets, so before the gig me, him, and two ladies from his office (Jo, my dad’s age, and Cath, somewhat younger) went out to an old favourite Italian place for dinner. We’d left it a little late, so we ended up gobbling dinner down and quaffing the plentiful supply of wine. Hurriedly, we paid and left, and youthfulness took over. Me and Cath bounded down the train station steps. The train was going to leave and the two old guys were nowhere in sight, so I held the doors open.

Sitting on the train, gliding through the darkness, it seemed an eternity before Kings Cross arrived. We were all pleasantly good from the wine though, and animated conversations about blow up dolls and the like soon ensued.

The good humour stayed into the gig. Plenty more drink was ordered, and I wound up dancing with Cath. We were giggling like school kids and having a great time. Some stupid deaf cow standing behind us snapped at me to “shut up, she couldn’t hear a bloody word.” Considering you could’ve heard the music four blocks away, I find that hard to believe.

In general, I found the night a troubling experience. On the one hand, this was great fun: good food, good music, good crowd, good times. But being around Cath – who’s taken, naturally – for so close and so long set a few mental balls rolling around my head. Dances don’t mean a thing when you’re pissed; everyone dances with everyone. She probably wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for the drink. And I hadn’t even begun to think about what Phil would think. This wasn’t in my nature at all. A somewhat more plausible explanation: having spent 7 years at a guys-only high school has caused me intense guilt over any remotely romantic or sexual feelings.

Sometimes it occurs to me that I have the classic split personality thing. Like any youth, I want to be free - have fun, live it up. Do whatever. Good so far, right? Wrong. I seem to have been blessed (cursed?) with more morals than 30 other men combined. So the moral side of my brain forces its way back in and levels things out. Net result: nothing interesting ever really happens to me. This is not to say that I was hoping something would happen, far from it – I respect her hugely as a person.

In the end, she drank rather too much and we ended up carting her home between the three of us. Jo called Phil and we arranged for him to pick her up and see she got home ok. Jo came home with us for a bit, saw my drum kit and straightaway wanted to have a bash – even though it was one something in the morning. She sat down on the stool but comically slipped off and crashed onto the floor. I guess that’s another one who had a bit too much to drink, lol.

As for me, I felt a certain sense of liberation and guilt at how the night had gone. I went to bed troubled, and with my head spinning, in all senses of the word.

fish in online poker tries to buy flush. backfires spectacularly. here's how.

------HAND 1------
Game #1854539613: Omaha PL ($1/$2) - 2006/03/12 - 18:59:39 (UK)
Table "Figaro" Seat 3 is the button.
Seat 1: Thetaker ($197.25 in chips)
Seat 3: Greenday7 ($301.75 in chips)
Seat 7: ShowMTM ($200.25 in chips)
Seat 8: Zig Zag sits out
Seat 9: gartney29 ($68 in chips)
ShowMTM: posts small blind $1
gartney29: posts big blind $2
----- HOLE CARDS -----
dealt to Greenday7 [As Jh Ac Qc]
Thetaker: calls $2
Greenday7: raises to $9
ShowMTM: folds
gartney29: folds
Thetaker: calls $7
----- FLOP ----- [Ad 5c 7h]
Zig Zag sits back
Thetaker: checks
Greenday7: bets $21
Thetaker: calls $21
----- TURN ----- [Ad 5c 7h][Qd]
Thetaker: checks
Greenday7: bets $63
Thetaker: calls $63
----- RIVER ----- [Ad 5c 7h Qd][2h]
Thetaker: checks
Greenday7: bets $189
Thetaker: is all-in $104.25
Returned uncalled bets $84.75 to Greenday7
----- SHOW DOWN -----
Greenday7: shows [As Jh Ac Qc] (Three of a kind, Aces, Queen high)
Thetaker: shows [5s 7s Jd 7d] (Three of a kind, Sevens, Ace high)
Greenday7 collects $394.50 from Main pot
----- SUMMARY -----
Total pot $397.50 Main pot $394.50 Rake $3
Board [Ad 5c 7h Qd 2h]
Seat 1: Thetaker showed [5s 7s Jd 7d] and lost
Seat 3: Greenday7 (button) showed [As Jh Ac Qc] and won ($394.50) with Three of a kind, Aces, Queen high
Seat 7: ShowMTM (small blind) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 9: gartney29 (big blind) folded before Flop (didn't bet)

one day, reckoned the pundit, a proper piece of journalism would

Sorry for all the poker transcripts. With myself and Bob being the leading contributors on the Blog lately (where are you, Claire and Lucy?) I suppose an avalanche of poker war stories was inevitable. Soon I will write a proper piece of journalism, most likely on the progress of my rock opera in waiting.

set beats straight draw. and the genius knew he was ahead on the turn!

------HAND 5------
Game #1820948503: Omaha PL ($1/$2) - 2006/03/09 - 23:07:28 (UK)
Table "Dark_Star" Seat 2 is the button.
Seat 1: Greenday7 ($187.50 in chips)
Seat 2: BeutyB ($120 in chips)
Seat 3: Lanfear ($190 in chips)
Seat 4: LNTP ($270.88 in chips)
Seat 5: marfire44 ($74.75 in chips)
Seat 6: dontcall ($143.25 in chips)
Seat 7: Sarac1 ($100 in chips)
Seat 8: dubchambr ($170 in chips)
Seat 9: Jackieno9 ($165.50 in chips)
Seat 10: Arkle1 ($136.61 in chips)
Lanfear: posts small blind $1
LNTP: posts big blind $2
Sarac1: posts big blind $2
----- HOLE CARDS -----
dealt to Greenday7 [4c Jh 2c Jd]
marfire44: folds
dontcall: calls $2
Sarac1: checks
dubchambr: calls $2
Jackieno9: calls $2
Arkle1: calls $2
Greenday7: calls $2
BeutyB: folds
Lanfear: calls $1
LNTP: checks
----- FLOP ----- [Qc 3s Js]
Lanfear: checks
LNTP: checks
dontcall: checks
Sarac1: checks
dubchambr: bets $16
Jackieno9: folds
Arkle1: folds
Greenday7: calls $16
Lanfear: folds
LNTP: folds
dontcall: folds
Sarac1: folds
----- TURN ----- [Qc 3s Js][2h]
dubchambr: bets $48
Greenday7: raises to $169.50 and is all-in
dubchambr: is all-in $104
Returned uncalled bets $17.50 to Greenday7
----- RIVER ----- [Qc 3s Js 2h][9h]
----- SHOW DOWN -----
Greenday7: shows [4c Jh 2c Jd] (Three of a kind, Jacks, Queen high)
dubchambr: shows [9s Qd Ts Jc] (Two Pairs, Queens and Jacks, Nine high)
Greenday7 collects $349 from Main pot
----- SUMMARY -----
Total pot $352 Main pot $349 Rake $3
Board [Qc 3s Js 2h 9h]
Seat 1: Greenday7 showed [4c Jh 2c Jd] and won ($349) with Three of a kind, Jacks, Queen high
Seat 2: BeutyB (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 3: Lanfear (small blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 4: LNTP (big blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 5: marfire44 folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 6: dontcall folded on the Flop
Seat 7: Sarac1 (big blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 8: dubchambr showed [9s Qd Ts Jc] and lost
Seat 9: Jackieno9 folded on the Flop
Seat 10: Arkle1 folded on the Flop

We are the champions

Yeeeeaaaaaaaaah! City University are the music champions! We won the music category in Face off on Tuesday night.

Bavan (Tamil society president) hired a coach for the City musicians/dancers to travel to Clapham Grand, cheers Bavs! We did our sound check, and Eason was watching with a smile. The King’s percussionist was over confident I thought.

Our percussion had a strange look to it. In addition to drum kit, miruthangam, tabla and morsing, there was a filing cabinet and a dustbin lol. The look on the stage manager’s face was priceless. I went to leave my stuff in the only boy’s changing room; the size of it took the piss. It was no bigger than your average room in halls and 50 guys would be using it.

After lunch at Yates there was a full run through of our 7 minute piece. Sam insisted that we do it a million times over. We were the opening act in the first half, which was good; less nervous. The song list was an impressive one. Sam was on keyboard, providing backing for all the pieces.

1) Timberland- Indian flute (Flute:me and Brana)
2) Oh la la (Vocals)
3) Interlude (Sam and percussion)
4) Puddhu pettai interlude (Flute, Marthini on violin)
5) Mayilirake (Everyone)
6) Gaja rare (Everyone)
7) Padaiyappa (Flute, violin, Thush on veena)
8) Fana (Everyone)

I thought it went pretty smoothly. Brana was still getting used to the notes but he did well. There were no evident mistakes, and most of us were relieved it was over. King’s, the favourites, were up next. Imperial, QMW and UCL followed.

The 2^nd half was set for the dance category. All unis gave a fantastic performance but King’s, with their star performer on another level, were looking very strong. The judges handed in their forms and the votes were counted.

‘For the music category its……….City!’ We did it! King’s won the dance category; not a big surprise, they were too good.

The after party was great as usual. I caught up with some old friends and got a little wasted (hadn’t been clubbing since Megamaalai). There was no need for a cab at the end; the City coach was waiting outside to take us home.

As for Arsenal on Wednesday, it was pulsating end to end stuff, but the ball never went in the net. A fantastic 0-0 draw to get us through to the quarter finals.

City are the music champions. Arsenal........European champions?

yes oh yes oh yes, said the genius poker player. details revealed

------HAND 21------
Game #1800108523: Omaha PL ($1/$2) - 2006/03/08 - 04:10:34 (UK)
Table "Swaps" Seat 7 is the button.
Seat 1: UberBluff ($164.75 in chips)
Seat 2: EricWhite ($57.25 in chips)
Seat 3: Barfine ($215.25 in chips)
Seat 4: monty19 ($374.75 in chips)
Seat 5: Book ($204 in chips)
Seat 6: mcrazy34 ($142.64 in chips)
Seat 7: Haminator ($306.81 in chips)
Seat 8: Ezequiel ($228 in chips)
Seat 9: Greenday7 ($200 in chips)
Seat 10: falloutd ($83 in chips)
Ezequiel: posts small blind $1
Greenday7: posts big blind $2
----- HOLE CARDS -----
dealt to Greenday7 [Qs Ks Qh Kh]
falloutd: folds
UberBluff: calls $2
EricWhite: folds
Barfine: calls $2
monty19: calls $2
Book: calls $2
mcrazy34: calls $2
Haminator: calls $2
Ezequiel: calls $1
Greenday7: raises to $18
UberBluff: calls $16
Barfine: calls $16
monty19: folds
Book: calls $16
mcrazy34: calls $16
Haminator: folds
Ezequiel: calls $16
----- FLOP ----- [7c Kc 5s]
Ezequiel: checks
Greenday7: bets $112
UberBluff: folds
Barfine: calls $112
Book: raises to $186 and is all-in
mcrazy34: folds
Ezequiel: folds
Greenday7: is all-in $70
Barfine: calls $74
----- TURN ----- [7c Kc 5s][6s]
----- RIVER ----- [7c Kc 5s 6s][Kd]
----- SHOW DOWN -----
Book: shows [2s Ad 2c Ac] (Two Pairs, Aces and Kings, Seven high)
Greenday7: shows [Qs Ks Qh Kh] (Four of a kind, Kings, Seven high)
Barfine: shows [6h Th Jc 4c] (Two Pairs, Kings and Sixes, Jack high)
Book collects $8 from Side pot #1
Greenday7 collects $655 from Main pot
----- SUMMARY -----
Total pot $666 Main pot $655 Side pot #1 $8 | Rake $3
Board [7c Kc 5s 6s Kd]
Seat 1: UberBluff folded on the Flop
Seat 2: EricWhite folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 3: Barfine showed [6h Th Jc 4c] and lost
Seat 4: monty19 folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 5: Book showed [2s Ad 2c Ac] and won ($8) with Two Pairs, Aces and Kings, Seven high
Seat 6: mcrazy34 folded on the Flop
Seat 7: Haminator (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 8: Ezequiel (small blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 9: Greenday7 (big blind) showed [Qs Ks Qh Kh] and won ($655) with Four of a kind, Kings, Seven high
Seat 10: falloutd folded before Flop (didn't bet)

shocked to discover that even computers knew everything about him. meanwhile

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:	MaleFemale
Sexuality:	StraightGayBisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 14%
Kissing Skill Level - 68%
Cudding Skill Level - 12%
Sex Skill Level - 7%
Why They Love You	You are very sweet.
Why They Hate You	You talk too much.
This cool quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 4251711 Times.

once realised that the British Empire was quickly going straight to hell

It struck me today that there’s so little encouragement in this country to do things the honest way. Here is a scenario involving two children, child X and child Y.

Child X wants to do well at everything. He comes from a middle class background, studies hard, and is active in extra-curricular activities like sport and music. After leaving primary school, he is successful in being admitted to grammar school, and leaves there with a handful of top grades. He then goes on to university where he obtains his first degree (at a cost of around £15,000) and plans to do a Masters.

Child Y is in Child X’s class at primary school. There is nothing to suggest a history of domestic violence or anything detrimental about his personal life. Child Y makes child X bored because he needs the teacher to explain things to him multiple times before they sink in. One day, many years later, Child Y is arrested for armed robbery and thrown into jail. The rehabilitation programme in place allows him to obtain a degree more or less of the same value as Child X’s. He is then freed for good behaviour after serving 50% of his sentence, at which time he returns home to his teenage wife and 5 kids. They are all claiming welfare.

Observations:

1. What incentive is there for Child X to learn at primary school?
2. What incentive is there for Child X to work his way honestly through higher education?
3. Why should part of Child X’s tax from his first job support child Y?
4. Welfare does not encourage Child Y to work.
5. The criminal justice system is painfully liberal.
6. Unacceptable social behaviour is rewarded.
7. England is about punishing those who want the best for themselves at the expense of playing catch-up with the fuck-ups.

critic, 21, seemed to be searching for the correct descriptive words in his report, suggesting that

The following is my review of Donnie Darko, also on IMDB.

-------

This is a work of genius, and is certainly not your average teen movie. Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a creative yet troubled youth, who seems discontent with more or less everything around him - be it the perceived imposition of authority from his school, his anal (literally) gym teacher Mrs Farmer, or, more importantly, the regular hallucinations he is experiencing which involve a giant bunny called Frank.

Donnie's grades in school are described as 'intimidating'. This is a major clue in terms of plot: he feels limited by what society is offering him and seeks refuge in the depths of his own imagination. This is one of the ways in which the film's satirical nature is perpetuated.

The attention to detail throughout is breathtaking - witness the scene just a few minutes from the start where Donnie cycles home and the fateful red sports car passes him, with the words "the killing time" accompanying in the soundtrack.

I will reserve particular praise for the cinematography and soundtrack, both of which add a certain richness and depth to the whole film. Kelly reportedly had a budget of around $3-4m to work with (post-Drew Barrymore intervention) and the results are brilliant. How much was spent on securing song royalties?!

Beneath the surface of the film lies a burning, pulsing sense of satire. The way in which the oh-so-moral Mrs Farmer attempts to teach her students about morality and family values yet outrageously sexualises the dance troupe in her command; the self-help guru with a dark secret of his own; the supposed beauty of 'cellar door' sparking off the chain of events leading to tragedy; the idea that your elders may not be completely useless and redundant, in the form of very old neighbour Roberta Sparrow - shown constantly checking her mailbox waiting for Donnie's letter to arrive.

One of the key things I think this film tried to make the audience think about was the importance of control, responsibility, and making good decisions. We've already seen in 'Run Lola Run' how life can change inextricably given a matter of minutes between decision making. Control - or perceived control, at least - is what attracts Gretchen to Donnie: her life has a singular lack of it. The abusive stepfather assaulting her mum results in her relocating to Donnie's community and some sort of stability is required from her perspective.

Donnie is placed in a position of superheroesque responsibility to protect those he knows. When Frank orders him to flood the school, it is because of the hazard posed in the form of the child molester. A different responsibility ensues when Frank runs Gretchen over - Donnie knows he will have to die so that Gretchen can live. Crucially, he's still in control, hence his relaxed expression as he lies in wait on his bed - a personal sacrifice for, amongst others, the girl he loves.

Clearly, Lynch has been an influence on Kelly. I was thinking in particular of the role the man in the red suit performs in the film contrasted against the role of the Cowboy in Mulholland Drive. Both feature as some kind of secondary indicator within the plot.

It is extremely rare to watch a film which combines so many genres - horror, romance, sci fi, psychological etc. - and takes you on a ride of so many differing emotions. It is rarer still for that film to pull it off with any degree of success, but Donnie Darko does it with aplomb.

Gone in 60 seconds/Face off

Was waiting to bet £1 on a horse race at Ladbrokes yesterday when 2 of my coursemates, Gopal and Panos, walked in with their friends. This Asian student (Gopal’s mate I assume) put £20 in a games machine. 1 minute and 2 spins of virtual roulette later, he was cleaned out. I remember some bad beats in Leeds last year but the guy lost 20 quid in 60 seconds!

Enough gambling, time to prepare for the King’s talent show ‘Faceoff’ which is next Tuesday. We (City Uni) are competing against King’s, UCL, QMW and Imperial. Each uni has 2 acts of music and dance. Sam is organising our music team, which consists of, well, a lot of people! Flute (western and carnatic), veena, violin, keyboard, guitar, vocal and percussion. Its gona be interesting to see how this pans out in the next couple of days.

live from the BBC Television Centre at White City!

Live from the BBC Television Centre at White City!

Sunday night was a rare opportunity to be part of a TV audience inside a pilot show to be filmed at the BBC Television Centre in London. This show was a spin-off of the Colin and Edith radio programme. It’s completely unscripted and boy does it show. Fortunately there was the promise of live music from We Are Scientists, The Zutons and Jim Noir to liven up the proceedings. Out of all these acts, I was most excited about The Zutons - the last time I saw them was supporting Muse at Earl's Court in December 2004.

In front of a fairly intimate audience – no more than 150 or so – there were two makeshift stages constructed for the performing bands. We Are Scientists set the ball rolling to liven the crowd up a bit. Then it’s over to The Zutons for another great song, the title of which escapes my stupid brain. But before we get to any recognisable Zutons songs we’ve heard on the radio, we first have to sit through a good deal of the show first.

Presumably aimed at townies and E4-watching teen types, the show aims to be quirky, funny, irreverent, and the odd random video clip thrown in, including some relationship advice from Chas n’ Dave and a documentary-style on the road clip concerning a tribute band called Greenish Day, with whose second guitarist I was nattering away with outside before the show started.

The problem with the show wasn’t the live music, but actually with Colin. I’ve never seen a more boring twat in my life. Without his glasses, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Thomas Ian Nicholas, who played Kevin in the American Pie films. After a guest appearance from Dave Gorman, (who???) there’s thankfully a short toilet break in-between camera adjustments, and then some more live music.

Jim Noir is nowhere to be seen, so with gusto the Zutons launch into You Will You Won’t, which is surely their most widely known song to date. It goes down well with the crowd, but in the background Colin is still moaning about the Zutons moaning about their stage lights. Apparently they look too much like Coldplay. (That is - the stage lights, not the Zuton personnel.)

My overall conclusion is that a hell of a lot more work needs to be done on this show if it is to enjoy any degree of success. True comedic moments are few and far between, and unscripted shows only work if the presenters are well prepared and willing to create an ‘anything goes’ atmosphere. Unfortunately both these elements were sadly lacking. A decent plus point, however, was getting to hang out with We Are Scientists backstage after the show. They didn’t seem to know what the hell was going on during the actual filming, but at least the bassist look pleased when I complimented them.

So what lessons have I learnt about tonight?

1. We Are Scientists have good/expensive taste in red wine.

2. A load of horny 14 year old guys appreciated the girl in the Zutons wearing a short skirt.

3. Colin doesn't like Scousers.

4. If this is the pinnacle of townie entertainment, then I feel really sorry for them!

5. Greenish Day are from Southampton and are actually cooler than Colin, Edith and Dave put together. Hahaha.

Live music – 8/10
Actual tv show – 4/10