calamity zone

Disastrous (yet funny) day today. Earlier I made lunch for myself and managed to spill the salt shaker all over the table. The effect was not unlike that of year 7 at Tiffin, in which I had the privilege of watching Nick Baumer rummage his hands through his hair and depositing the entire contents of the Andes before my very eyes.



Turned on digital TV a few moments later to find myself accosted by a ridiculous programme about the Queen's Royal Guards, with a close analysis on the side of "why I love fuzzy helmets". I rapidly attempted to switch over to Challenge TV, where the mediocrity of the programmes such as Noel's House Party invariably cheers me up, but alas, no Crinkly Bottom today. Perhaps it's just as well.



I then logged on to MSN, as I am so prone to doing of late, and engaged with an acquaintance on the subject of music which, in short, ran along the lines of "they don't make them as good as they used to." Below is a short transcript of the conversation. It is a testament to the painfully funny comedy that conversation can invoke.



Me: "You remember that song on There's Something About Mary? There was a song on it by a little known band called The Foundations. What was it called?"

Phil: "Oh yeah, I remember the one. Fill Me Up Buttercup."

Me: "Ok, it's not a porno movie, Phil."

Phil: "Oh yeah." (Those 2 words are basically all Phil ever says.)

After a good half hour on Kazaa, it transpires the song is, in fact, called Build Me Up Buttercup.



Reverberating recollections of Twister from the house party are also floating around inside my warped mind somewhere, involving various deviant sexual positions which I shall not disclose here for fear of corrupting any innocent blog-readers.



Unknown to me, someone with botched laser-eye surgery lives in my road; I bumped into him today whilst I was out on a walk. And yes, I saw him coming, before you ask. And yes, he was wearing an eye patch. Perhaps it was rather telling that he was muttering "I hate Boots" fairly loudly.



Weird man: "I hate Boots. I hate Boots. I hate Boots. I hate Boots."

Me: "Excuse me... what?"

Weird man: "I hate Boots."

Me: "Why?"

Weird man: "Botched my laser eye surgery."

Me: "That's ... really not good. Did you sue them?"

Weird man: "I'm in the middle of it."

Me: "Right, right ... what's the worst thing about botched surgery?"

Weird man: "Is that a joke? Are you trying to be funny? Cos if you are..."

Me: (hurriedly) "No, no, not being funny. Just inquiring politely."

Weird man: "The worst thing (looks thoughtful) ... the worst thing was coming home and seeing a bloody beautiful woman where my wife was. And now I have to go back and undo the surgery."